Your teenagers- are you their friend or parent?
30 Aug 2011

Your teenagers: Are you their friend or parent?

2 mins to read
If you adopt a friendship-based parenting approach with your teen, are you still able to set boundaries and teach discipline?


As generational gaps between children and their parents lessen, more people are trying to establish friendship-based relationships with their teenage kids, but according to some experts, such an approach is often unsuccessful and is not always in a child’s best interests.

“The problem is that while being friends with kids is all well and good, there is a time when direct parenting is required,” says social researcher, Neer Korn, director at The Korn Group.

Most parenting schools of thought attest to adults teaching children by example and, when necessary, some form of discipline along with boundary setting. Successful friendships on the other hand tend to be relationships based on a more equal footing.

“Moving from friend mode to parent mode is challenging and confusing for both parents and kids,” Mr Korn says. 

Sydney-based clinical psychologist, Stephanie Allen, says parents can run into trouble when trying to be friends with children gets in the way of setting boundaries.

“If by friendship… parents have a desire for a teenagers’ approval which impedes their ability to set boundaries, say no and/or communicate limits, it is likely to cause problems,” she says.

Ms Allen, who runs a private practice in Sydney’s south, Life and Mind Psychology, says she often sees parents in such a dilemma and getting to the bottom of it isn’t always straightforward.

“If the issue really is about not saying no, or setting limits, it needs to be dealt with separately… parents need to find out why it’s hard for them to set boundaries – is it a skill deficit or is it due to their own discomfort?”

Both are areas that a qualified healthcare professional may be able to assist with. But for those who are either unable or are unwilling to seek help, all is not lost.

It’s important to keep in mind there is no perfect dynamic between a parent and teenager – what will work for some people won’t work for others. But there are a few things worth considering that may help achieve more successful relationship outcomes, including:

  • Effective communication – most teenagers won’t share everything with their parents, so don’t get too hung up on transparency. Focus instead on listening and being available to talk when needed.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff – try not to make an issue of little things.
  • Conflict resolution – understand how to deal with and resolve tension in the relationship.
  • Set limits – make sure both parties know, understand and respect personal limits.
  • Validation – treating teenagers’ feelings and thoughts with respect (no matter how out there they may seem) is vital, as is learning self-validation skills for a parent.

Interestingly, social researcher, Korn, says when asked, children commonly report that they don’t aspire to be friends with their parents.

“Kids, while actually getting along with their parents quite well, don’t wish them to be friends,” he says.

He adds that while speaking to teenagers in focus groups it’s clear that they appreciate and want boundaries to be set for them.

“They [teenagers] say they need boundaries and were actually glad to have these.”

So although being good friends with teenage children may, on the surface, seems like a good idea, the concept may get in the way of effective parenting, potentially hindering a child’s wellbeing.

Yet this doesn’t mean teenage kids and their parents can’t enjoy a genial relationship. Parents can enforce boundaries while maintaining “friendly” relations with kids. The key to success is understanding the subtle differences between being “friends” and “friendly”.

Nigel Latta, a NZ-based psychologist specialising in family therapy, has a book, “The Politically Incorrect Guide To Teenagers,” covering off (amongst many issues) the friend/parent dilemma.

Latta believes parents shouldn’t try to be friends with teenagers but being friends on Facebook, for example, is a reasonable way to keep an eye on soon to be young adults, without overstepping the mark. 

At the end of the day the bond between a teenager and their parents mostly needs consistent effort and attention. As the saying goes - the best things in life are free. True as this may be, parenting teenagers isn’t easy – nor does it come cheap, but it is hugely rewarding – which (thankfully) makes it all worthwhile!


References available on request



Blackmores Logo

We accept

  • Visa
  • Mastercard
  • American Express
  • Paypal
  • Alipay
  • Wechat Pay
  • UnionPay
  • Afterpay
  • Facebook
  • Blackmores Instagram
  • Blackmores LinkedIn