How to fight well and save your relationships

2 mins to read

Science has serious wisdom to offer when it comes to proposing conflict styles that soothe, rather than spilt, relationships. Writes Rosie Brogan.

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Do you and your partner fight? The answer is probably ‘yes’. And the good news is, well, that’s good news!

As psychologist John Gottman, one of the world’s most respected relationship scientists, says: “If there's one lesson I've learned in my years of research into marital relationships – having interviewed and studied more than 200 couples over 20 years – it is that a lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship.”

Rather than the notion that not fighting is the sign of a healthy union, Gottman believes: “We grow in our relationships by reconciling our differences. That's how we become more loving people and truly experience the fruits of marriage. Fighting, when it airs grievances and complaints, can be one of the healthiest things a couple can do for their relationship.”

It’s the way in which we fight, however, that’s the key to enabling conflict to serve, rather than sever, your relationship.

READ MORE: The 2 traits of lasting relationships

What does fighting badly looks like?

In a 2005 study in the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage (that’s since been quoted in countless articles about the anatomy of healthy relationships), Gottman and his colleague Janice Driver explored the idea that two conflict styles are predictors of divorce. The first style is thought to split relationships after five years of marriage; while the second is thought to do so after 16 years of marriage.

The first of these – the earlier predictor of divorce – is a ‘high conflict’ style, characterised by ‘attack-defend’ behaviour. It involves factors such as criticism, anger, contempt, belligerence and defensiveness.
The second style – the later predictor of divorce – is ‘withdrawing’ mode. Here, factors crop up such as sadness, disgust, listener withdrawal or ‘stone-walling’.

In an article for Psychology Today, Gottman condensed his list of relationship ‘wreckers’ down to the following four conflict hallmarks, or ‘horseman’ as he prefers to call them:

Criticism
Contempt, the most common signs of which are- hostile humour, mockery, body language that includes sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip
Defensiveness
Stonewalling

How to fight well

Gottman suggests you use the following tools to avoid employing the above styles and instead, develop a healthy approach to conflict.

When you're feeling overwhelmed, make a deliberate effort to calm

“This strategy eases the need to be defensive and to stonewall… and undercuts the physical feelings that sustain the thoughts that maintain distress,” says Gottman.

“From the data gathered in our lab we've seen how quickly discussions fall apart as soon as one spouse's heart rate begins to soar. Learning how to calm down helps prevent unproductive fighting or running away from the important discussions you may need to have.”

Associate editor of Psych Central Margarita Tartakovsky adds that it takes the body 20-minutes to calm down after being overwhelmed.

Be a non-defensive listener

Gottman says: “A non-defensive attitude on your part also helps to defuse the need to stonewall, particularly for men. Keep in mind that defensiveness is a two-way street; if you start speaking non-defensively, you will lessen your partner's need to be defensive.”

Let your partner know that you understand him or her

Rather than attack or ignore your partner’s perspective when it’s aired during a fight, aim to put yourself in his or her shoes.

“Show that you think his or her viewpoint may have some validity,” Gottman says. “It is an antidote to criticism, contempt, and defensiveness.”

References available on request