Love #101: building better relationships

1.    Surprise!

Treat someone special to lunch. Book a new cosy restaurant, or pack a picnic and whisk them away. Send a card or flowers, send movie tickets, cook a meal, send a chocolate in the mail – there are many ways to surprise those you care for.

2.    Ain't no mind-reader

Communicate your needs and concerns. Don't wait for your partner to try to guess what is going on with you. Learn about how to make changes to improve your relationship. Express your feelings honestly and also listen to what they have to say.

3.    First things first

If you are in a steady relationship consider your partner first, make time for each other every day and don't fall into the trap of boredom and routine – it is a relationship killer. Don't assume people will always be there. Live each day as if it were your last. 

4.    Household harmony

Share the load. Agree on who will do what in the household, rather than leaving things undiscussed and allowing resentment to breed. Offer to do the tasks you like the most – it could be cooking or feeding the fish.

5.    Me time

Make time specifically for yourself: soak in a bath, read, listen to music, talk on the phone to friends, go for a run or relax with a DVD. Allow yourself and your partner the right to put up your feet and chill.

6.    Appreciation apprentice

Show appreciation when your partner does something for you. Listening is also a form of appreciation. Make sure you're not distracted if your partner is talking to you about their concerns, and be sure to offer your full attention. Former ABC journalist Maxine McKew once said that ‘listening is the greatest seductive art'.

7.    Curiosity didn't kill the cat

Stay curious (but respectful) about each other. It has been said that happy couples spend an hour each day talking intimately – this may sound like a lot, but begin by taking time to ask about his/her day and find out what is occupying his/her headspace.

8.    Don't 'Judge Judy'

Be supportive – do not make judgements when your partner makes mistakes, or does things differently from the way you would.

9.    Be assertive about assistance

Ask for help when you cannot cope with a situation. It may be as simple as confiding in a friend or partner; or alternately, counselling can provide an effective way to steer yourself out of a rut and come up with new ways of tackling an old problem.

10.    Manage expectations

Deliver on promises. If you say you're going to take her/him out for a fancy dinner, or plan an intimate weekend, do it. There is nothing more deflating that waiting for special time with your partner and the occasion passing you both by.

11.    Weekend retreat

Schedule time to be alone together and escape your routine and/or surrounding pressures. You could take turns in organising these once every three to six months (depending on your budget). Getting away relaxes the mind and gives you the space to simply enjoy each other's company – all going well, you'll be reminded of just why you fell in love with your partner in the first place.

What does a good relationship need?

It will vary from one person to another, but most people would probably agree that respect, companionship, mutual emotional support, sexual expression, economic security and, often, childrearing, are all important parts of an adult relationship.

Ask your partner to write down the five qualities/needs that are most important for them in a relationship. Have a look at the list and see which of the needs you can do something about, and which you need to negotiate with your partner.

Do the same yourself. Then talk about each other's relationship needs. It is essential for each partner to try to understand and respect the other person's needs.