Houseguest rules for family wellbeing

3 mins to read

Are you struggling to strike a happy balance when the in-laws come to stay? Tanya Ryan-Seggar shares her experience with visiting relatives and gives her tips for harmonious family visits.

Everyday health

My British in-laws have been staying in our family abode for the best part of six weeks. When I tell people about our extended family-living situation they look at me sympathetically and often blurt out something along the lines of: “poor you, how are you coping”? But I have a bit of a secret… I’m more than managing to hold it together. I actually love having family over to stay - even for extended periods of time but it wasn’t always this way.

Recently I’ve worked out a few basic rules that seem to make such visits not only run more smoothly but also assist in more positive personal wellbeing. In the past I shared the sentiment that family staying over for long periods of time was a hassle. But by trying to see things from others point of view - rather than just my own, I am a lot more empathetic these days. In fact now, I spend most my time worried about how, when my in-laws come to stay - at a touch over 60 years old respectively, they manage to survive living with two busy preschool-aged children, a loveable (albeit deaf) Labrador and two crazy chooks. It’s a far cry from a relaxing holiday!

No family is perfect and parent-in-law-sibling dynamics are often complicated but attempting to take onboard other people’s feelings and perspectives can really be a game changer. There is also a more selfish reason some people may discover if you make the effort to make family home-stays work.

As a working parent with two preschool aged kids and no relatives living close by it turns out that having Nana and Grandad reside in the same house takes off some of the pressure that comes with trying to be a good parent.
Sure, grandparents have their own funny little ways (as do most people) and there are times we all get on each others’ nerves but, it’s usually short-lived and the advantage of family support – in whatever capacity you can get it, generally far outweighs any disadvantage.

Personally, not only do my two children get double the amount of attention they usually receive but, thanks to two extra and trustworthy people in the household, mum and dad get something that is hard to come by – downtime. Glorious, “the world is your oyster,” kind of free time. Sure some childfree periods are dutifully spent doing mundane household chores but I’ve also made a conscious decision to do things during such occasions that makes my heart sing too. Bingo to 7 am swims at the beach, solitary jogs around the neighbourhood and romantic date nights with hubby.

I sometimes get home after these indulgent outings and find stuff is not where it should be or the kids are up past their usual bedtimes but I’ve finally worked out that by sweating the small stuff I was missing the bigger, more important, picture. What everyone in the house gains from the live-in grandparent experience outweighs the inevitable hiccups along the way.

So now I’m far more relaxed and willing to compromise when my in-laws come to stay. Grandparents get to spend happy, quality time with two generations of family, the kids enjoy the extra love and attention and mum and dad get time to do things we usually only dream about. It’s a win-win all round and worth the effort, it just took some time to get it right. I

Tips for happy family visitations...

Think about in-law or parent accommodation carefully – if staying for longer periods try to place guests where everyone gets some time away from each other
Although not cheap, granny flats or similar accommodation set ups are a great investment for regular visitors
If your house is too small to handle extra guests be upfront and proactive about making alternative arrangements i.e. can in-laws stay with friends or extended family nearby?
Be realistic about expectations of what help you might receive from guests staying in your home– it’s better to be surprised than disappointed
Don’t take advantage of overly willing or generous grandparents
Make the most of any free time you may get as a result of extra help
Make sure you show house guests come babysitters you appreciate any help they give i.e. a nice meal together is generally a winner
Set a few basic household guidelines-. if you’re strict on children’s dietary intake or how much TV they can watch, explain how you’d like this managed upfront
Try to leave some room for some flexibility with rules – while children’s schedules may be impacted by guests but unless a stay is prolonged, routines can usually be restabilised quickly
Try to speak as honestly and openly as possible – communication breakdowns during home stays can be disastrous