“Often who we are is strongly shaped by our relationship with our mother and we carry that influence with us for the rest of lives,” says psychologist Anne Hollonds, former CEO of the NSW branch of Relationships Australia.
“Whether we are young or old, it’s never too late to make your relationship with your mum better… Our wellbeing is closely connected to the quality of our important relationships, so it’s a smart investment to take steps to improve them.”
According to US psychologist, Roni Cohen-Sandler, the most common complaints that daughters have about their mums include:
My Mum is…
Whereas for mums, the most persistent complaints are:
My daughter doesn’t…
To turn a flagging mother-daughter relationship around:
1. Make the first move to change things for the better
Don’t wait for her to do it! Speaking to psychology news portal PsychCentral, family therapist Linda Mintle says, “Think about how you feel in the relationship and what you can do to change.”
2. Remember she’s not a mind reader
It’s common to think that your mum should know you well enough to intuitively ‘get’ what’s wrong, or know what behaviour irritates you. As Cohen-Sandler says, this often results in mothers and daughters failing to communicate. Be clear and gently state how you’re feeling.
Here’s an example: “Mum, you’re not treating me like an adult.”
3. Talk about how you want to communicate
Younger women often aren’t keen to talk on the phone, particularly during their work day, says Cohen-Sandler, who reports that this is a regular complaint from daughters speaking about the way their mothers communicate.
Instead of snapping or avoiding your mum, tell her what works best for you.
Such as, “If you want to talk on the phone, the best time for me is in the morning. But if you want to reach me during the day with something more urgent, just text.”
More tips from Relationships Australia:
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