Lack of self-respect and its impact on your happiness

3 mins to read

The amount of respect you have for yourself may influence your health and relationships. Rosie Brogan calls upon the wisdom of celebrated American writer, Joan Didion.

Stress relief & sleep support

Lately I’ve been reading a lot of work by Joan Didion, the American writer who pens candidly about grieving, loss and what constitutes a moral life.

Last night I stumbled across her stunning essay, ‘On Self-Respect’ published in 1968 but for me, still relevant today. When reading this, I captured an insight into a perplexing friend of mine who struggles desperately to find happiness.

She’s overflowing with intelligence, is caring, funny and adventurous. But when speaking honestly, says she despises socialising – it “drains her”. She also avoids phone calls and parties, and feels terrible guilt for “being a bad friend”. She also can’t work out what to do with her life and spends days, nights, and sometimes weeks in tears. During this time, she won’t answer the phone.

Do you know anyone like this? Depression is an obvious answer, but perhaps there’s something more going on. She, or they, could be suffering lack of self-respect.

As Didion writes, in this frame of mind, we become an “unwilling audience of one to an interminable documentary that deals with one’s failings, both real and imagined, with fresh footage spliced in for every screening.”

We focus intently on why we’re hopeless, unlovable and unremarkable.

From a health perspective, this may even contribute to an ‘abuse of the self’ and a lack of self care, for example through excess consumption of food or alcohol.

But lacking self-respect can also dramatically impact upon our relationships (with others and with ourselves).

Here’s what Didion says can happen when self-respect is at its lowest ebb

”It is the phenomenon sometimes called ‘alienation from self.’ In its advanced stages, we no longer answer the telephone, because someone might want something; that we could say no without drowning in self-reproach is an idea alien to this game. Every encounter demands too much, tears the nerves, drains the will…… ……..to free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves — there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect.”

Building self-respect, or having it in the first place, comes from accepting responsibility for your own life, Didion says. “Self-respect is a discipline, a habit of mind that can never be faked but can be developed, trained, coaxed forth… To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference.”

I know I’m being a little esoteric here, so consider these practical tips developed in consultation with the National Association for Prevention of Child Abuse & Neglect for developing self-respect, here referred to as ‘self esteem’:

Talk to yourself positively – treat yourself as you would your best friend. Be supportive, kind and understanding. Don’t be hard on yourself when you make a mistake.
Challenge negative ‘self-talk’ – every time you criticise yourself, stop and look for objective evidence that the criticism is true. (If you feel you can’t be objective, then ask a trusted friend for their opinion.) You’ll realise that most of your negative self-talk is unfounded.
Don’t compare yourself to others – recognise that everyone is different and that every human life has value in its own right. Make an effort to accept yourself, warts and all.
Acknowledge the positive – for example, don’t brush off compliments, dismiss your achievements as ‘dumb luck’ or ignore your positive traits.
Appreciate your special qualities – remind yourself of your good points every day. Write a list and refer to it often. (If you feel you can’t think of anything good about yourself, ask a trusted friend to help you write the list.)
Forget the past – concentrate on living in the here-and-now rather than reliving old hurts and disappointments.
Stop worrying – ‘worry’ is simply fretting about the future. Accept that you can’t see or change the future and try to keep your thoughts in the here-and-now.
Exercise – it is such a good boost to the brain for all kinds of things but especially in combating depression and helping you to feel good. Targets need to be step by step, such as starting with a walk round the block once a day, enrolling at a local gym class or going for a swim.
Be assertive – communicate your needs, wants, feelings, beliefs and opinions to others in a direct and honest manner.
Practise the above suggestions every day – it takes effort and vigilance to replace unhelpful thoughts and behaviours with healthier versions. Give yourself time to establish the new habits. Keep a diary or journal to chart your progress.