Spark! How couples can reignite it

2 mins to read

Can a relationship’s electricity be re-fired? Sydney-based Clinical Psychologist Amanda Gordon says it can. Rosie Brogan finds out how.

Stress relief & sleep support

Can a relationship’s electricity be re-fired? Sydney-based Clinical Psychologist Amanda Gordon says it can. Rosie Brogan finds out how.

What can couples do when the spark starts to fade within their relationship?

Amanda Gordon: The first thing to do is to uncover what’s worked in the past (because you don’t have to reinvent the wheel). Then identify the obstacles getting in the way of you both making changes. Most people know what to do, so it’s just about overcoming reasons why you’re unable to share a connection.

Is lack of spark ever irreconcilable?

Amanda Gordon: I believe it’s all state of mind. If you think, “You’ve gone too far this isn’t possible anymore” – then that’s not what life is about. Life is much more about taking the time and energy to make something work. If you don’t make the effort, you end up saying, “See there’s proof! It didn’t work!” That’s what people often do.

What are the most common reasons that couples lose their spark?

Amanda Gordon: The most common thing is couples stop paying attention to each other. So what they have to do is to learn to pay attention again. It’s very simple.

One way is to prescribe ways to pay attention to the other, such as setting a time of the week to spend time with each other. Some couples say, “That’s ridiculous. We don’t need to do that!” But in fact it’s what works best. You make love at certain times. You schedule it in, just the way you’d schedule in other any other important commitment.

The problem is that people get so busy with other things that they let the ship pass them by.

If you’re not paying attention to each other then you’re not putting in any of the energy that’s going to make a difference. You’re not letting the other know that they’re important to you – and therefore they feel as if they’re unimportant, and they behave as if they’re unimportant. And so it goes.

The whole idea is that you get that cycle back working again where people know they’re valued and that they are valuable. Once they know that, the world is at their feet.

Does such a rigid approach take the magic away a little bit?

Amanda Gordon: You need to approach it with joy and with laughter. Because if you share a view that you want to spend time with each other, you can convince each other easily that this is the thing that’s going to make a difference.

And that’s what it’s all about: convincing each other and yourself that this is what you really want. Once you do that, the rest is easy. The magic comes when you take the time to say, “You are important enough to me that I want to spend time with you.”

Who can ask for anything else more magical than having someone who wants to spend time with you? You create the magic inside that space that you’ve allowed to occur.

And how can couples make the transition (ie. start scheduling in time together) a little easier on themselves?

Amanda Gordon: It’s not an easy thing to do in this day and age. They need to make the time to talk about the things that make them happy and sad — the things they feel they are missing out on. If they can’t, they’re going to be in strife.

One thing therapy can do is to provide a safe place to have conversations that people don’t know how to have. That is one of the beauties of being engaged in the therapeutic process.

I would say to anyone: put in the effort now, don’t wait to see a therapist. But often a therapist can be incredibly helpful in getting you to talk about the things you need to talk about. The therapist is not going to do the work for you though. You are.

References available upon request