How to survive a break-up

There are few things more stress-inducing than the fracture or end of a relationship. 

We asked psychologist Dr Dave Keatley, of WA’s Curtin University and the UK’s University of Lincoln, about how to buffer your wellbeing and nurture your mind through a breakup. 

Is there such a thing as a ‘good’ break-up?

(Dave Keatley): This depends a lot on the individuals involved. Openness is one of the critical personality factors that make a big difference – explaining things clearly, being open to what is being said. 

And an individual’s resilience plays a massive role as well. That is, their inner strength and motivation to move forward, to adopt a positive outlook, and not give up.

How does a breakup impact upon our psychological wellbeing? 

The main psychological consequences stem from the initial rejection we feel. The rejection thwarts our basic psychological capacity for attachment and relatedness.

Psychologists state that humans have three basic psychological needs:

• Autonomy: feeling in control of yourself
• Competence: being able to successfully bring about the desired outcomes through your abilities
• Relatedness, forming close relationships and bonds or attachments to people

A break-up deals a blow to all three of these core psychological needs. If the breakup was not your choice, and especially if it was a shock, your autonomy is thwarted. In addition, a break-up not caused by you usually leads to a lot of self-examination (the “what did I do wrong?” syndrome). 

Finally, relatedness and attachment to someone that is usually the closest person to you, is obviously a severe psychological, emotional trauma

Do breakups also affect our view of ourselves? 

Yes, the effect of a breakup on psychological wellbeing can also affect self-esteem. Women can feel this especially acutely. Many women can love their partner to the extreme of identifying themselves through their partner’s approval. This is also why women are usually more affected than men, as the relationship is integral to their self-esteem.

What are common responses to a relationship breaking down?

Most people’s immediate reaction is to gain autonomy and independence back – to varying extents. 

Some plan a night out with friends; others decide to drink excessively, some plan to meet other partners immediately. All reflect the desire to take charge of one’s life again – a reflection of the need for autonomy.

Chasing new partners, via things like one-night stands, reflects the need to rekindle some relatedness to other individuals, and reclaim some self-esteem. The potential limitations of this are quite obvious (i.e. the riskiness of such behaviour and the potential for further rejection).

Studies show that seeking revenge actually makes you feel worse afterward. This is especially so for females, too. Guilt usually follows and is worse than the initial feeling of depression.

How to fight well to save your relationships

What would a healthier approach look like?

This is the time to highlight your accomplishments, forgive yourself readily and put your happiness first.

Having close friends and a support network makes a huge difference, as it becomes the salient framework/scaffolding that repairs some of the damage of the breakup. It’s important to know that there are others who still love you as you are.

What breakup strategies help preserve or restore wellbeing?

The most important advice is to do what you think is best for you. It’s a traumatic time in your life when you’ve suffered damaging psychological blows and your wellbeing is affected. 

Taking some time to spoil yourself can go some way to rebuilding the relationship you have with yourself. This helps you regain the realisation that you can enjoy your own company, make your own decisions and that you’ll be okay. 

In psychology, we term this the peak of psychological needs: self-actualisation – the fulfillment of needs and desires through your own volition, ability, and choice. 

Personally, I also find a Matt Damon film helps, such as ‘We Bought a Zoo’. This is backed up by science, too!